Are you alone heading into the holidays?
Do you prefer not to be?
I have some completely unsolicited advice for single men on how to successfully find some romance in 10 easy steps.
I can see your eyes rolling from here, but I swear my idea has some merit. Think of me as Ann Landers with zero qualifications.
First, put down your phone and pick up your TV remote. Do not go to the sports channels. Go to the Hallmark Channel or W Network in Canada. Start in the morning and continue watching the holiday movies until you near diabetic shock from all the sugar!
Get a book. Take notes.
Stay with me.
You follow my suggestions whether you are looking for a date for Christmas/New Year's or you are long married and need a little rekindling of the embers and I can almost guarantee a positive outcome.
I have researched this for years by watching thousands of Christmas movies. They are sappy. They are unrealistic. They are like the Harlequin romance novels we used to enjoy by the caseload. (Remember, the ripped bodices on the front cover?)
The point is not that you think these ideas are stupid.
It doesn’t matter if this is completely foreign to you.
I don’t even care if you believe in what you are doing. Sincerity is not necessarily required.
The formula works for a reason.
- Go to a public place. Wear dress pants, a long camel coat, a red scarf and leather gloves. Depending on locale, this can be altered to jeans, a plaid shirt, work gloves and a cowboy hat.
- Hang around a Christmas tree lot. If an interesting woman arrives, feign interest in trees. Lift a chainsaw. Spout off about the best kind of tree. Mention a Douglas fir or a blue spruce. Offer to lug the thing right to her home and then (un-creepily) offer to assist with the decorating. If invited to help decorate, choose one special ornament and stare at it. Talk about how it reminds you of one your grandfather once whittled.
- If offered hot chocolate or hot cider, gush over it! Admire the festive mug. If you get cookies, tell her how they remind you of your great granny's recipe, which you haven’t tasted since you were 10.
- Learn to ice skate. Apparently, every romance must include ice skating. Even if you are a complete disaster your efforts, on the ice, will seem quirky and charming.
- When looking at Christmas lights, spend the entire time staring at the lady as if you see sparkling lights in her pupils. Act like there is nobody else in the townsquare. Say something like, “You look like an angel.” Or, “I have never seen someone who loved Christmas so much. It's inspiring.”
- When out walking, share some deep dark (not too dark) secret from your past. It will make her feel empathy and she will want to save you, which is the downfall of most women, but that’s for another day.
- Rent a horse and buggy. A woman would be putty in your hands. Don’t forget the plaid blanket for her knees.
- Be sure to look randomly up at the sky and point out special stars. Refer to Grade 7 astronomy class. Tell her the brightest star reminds you of her. (Try not to gag.)
- If you are musical … write her an original song. Use a guitar. Her heart will melt.
- Pay for a snow machine. Put it on a timer. It must start to snow at the precise moment you make your move to kiss your date. Not so much snow that her hair goes all wet and flat. Just enough so the flakes illuminate her cheeks, but not enough that her mascara runs.
With these 10 simple gestures, you can win over the most cold-hearted woman, unless, of course, she hates the thought of all this gushing or Christmas or hot cocoa or horses.
I have been asked a million times: “What do women want?”
My answer is “a little romance, a little attention.”
And guess what?
It doesn’t matter if it means nothing to you, it may mean a lot to her.
If it works out, bonus.
If not, no worries.
She’s going to be leaving town right after Christmas anyway for a new corporate job in the big city.