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Tangled, jumbled and half-lit

In this week's Everything King, Wendy is sure Christmas lights are a giant con job
Tangled lights AdobeStock_233605986
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It is a conspiracy, right? An annual evil festive conspiracy to make us crazy with frustration.

It’s a test to see how many bad words we actually know even when Santa is listening.

I speak of the dreaded Christmas lights.

Do not read any further if you are an electrician. You won’t understand.

Let’s face it. They literally need to stay lit for about 30 days once a year. Is that so much to ask?

Whatever “elf” division is in charge of light longevity is sub-par. They might as well just sell them as “one use only.”

I bring out the wreaths to go in the windows. They have had the lights on them since last year when they worked. They were put away. They worked then. I plug them in this year. All dead.

It doesn’t seem to matter if the light strings are cheap or expensive, new or old. Chances are they are going to conk out before Christmas has arrived.

I think it’s a giant corporate con.

It is dreamed up by the same people who manage to get any piece of equipment you own to work perfectly until the day before the extended warranty is to expire.

I bought a new light up sign this year that spells out JOY.

Brand new.

I take it out of the box and climb up on to the step stool to place it on top of the kitchen hutch.

It has a battery box. I fill it with the proper ones. 

Why does a decoration need to come with a booklet of instructions? I should have known better.

It reads: “Press once for solid white lights. Press twice for blinky multi-coloured lights."

If you press three times, it puts it on timer mode and no lights will come on for 18 hours.

Wait, what?            

Give me two choices on and off. I don’t need all these options.

Of course, I tried the sequence out. Once... twice… three times and that was the last time I saw any sign of JOY in my kitchen. It just sits there dark and sad on top of my hutch.

I don’t know what to press or (un)press or how to start over, so I just gave up.

Seriously, if I have to watch a YouTube tutorial on this, it won’t be happening.

Then there was the pre-lit wreath outdoors which never did light up so I bought a cheap set of new ones.

Did I re-string?

No, I did not!

I threw the lights in the general direction of the wreath where they landed like a blob of confusion.

It looks hideous in the daylight. Looks like a modern jumbled work of art in the nighttime.

My sister asked, “Why don’t you put them all on timers and then you can turn them off and on with one remote?”

This would require knowing where the timer thingy and the remote thingy are (apparently these are supposed to match and be stored together).

I do not.

Also, I find my sister annoying.

So, every night I go out in my flannel nightgown to physically plug in the blobby Christmas wreath.

I figure it gives me a chill and my neighbours a thrill.

Perhaps Christmas lights are symbolic of life.

Tangled, jumbled and sometimes you may be half lit or disconnected.

But other times it is bright, magical and illuminating.

Keep calm and shine on!


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About the Author: Wendy King

Wendy King writes about all kinds of things from nutrition to the job search from cats to clowns — anything and everything — from the ridiculous to the sublime. Watch for Wendy's column weekly.
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