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Finally: The men behind frustrating instructions everywhere revealed

In this edition of Everything King, Wendy King reveals plans for an ingenious new product guaranteed to help you avoid feline vision issues (among other things)
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assembly instructions stock

Have you ever thought if you could just come up with one really good idea you could get rich?

Just one simple idea the world needs.

I just came up with one.

Now I haven’t gone as far as to take George Foreman’s advice and call his friends at “Invent Help” so I am trusting you not to steal it and run with it. Deal?

It all started when I bought a new snow shovel (yes, I know timing is everything) but it was some fancy schmancy model that is supposed to be easy on your back and it is jointed in three places so it can push, lift and I forget the third thing. It came disassembled in a box. This should have struck fear into my heart but I bought it anyway.

I admit I am not mechanically inclined but how hard could it be — there are three parts.

Famous last words.

Stay with me here.

Here’s my idea: Translate regular directions (clearly written by angry, sadistic men). Yes, I said MEN because women don’t talk in circles.

So, my idea is to offer directions the way we talk!

So, full disclosure: I attempted this shovel assembly twice and then threw it in its pieces back into the box.

The directions did show a picture of the three parts which were labelled A, B and C.

What I would do is actually label the parts with stickers A, B, C or better yet call it like it is — short rod, middle rod, handle with scooper.

Trying to hold the pieces while referring to the picture page while juggling the screws and springs and looking through the bottom part of your bifocals is nearly impossible and makes you cranky.

Their instructions continue like this: Place the spring in the recessed Handle A and feed the knob through the hole of Handle B.  Squeeze handles together. Insert bolt into outer recessed hole of Handle A and twist knob to tighten.

My instructions: Stick the springy thing over the short rod and try to hold the middle rod together while trying to line up the knob and tighten. You will need three hands or an assistant or else the spring will jump off and fly across the room nearly taking out your cat’s eye. (I feel this would be helpful information!)

Back to the actual instructions: Repeat with remaining 2 sections of the handle.

Mine: By now you have forgotten what you just did. At this point I will repeat the initial instruction. Also, you will not get to this stage without shouting several expletives. (Important  add-on if you have children)

To be honest I never got to pictures 3 through 6 but I noticed words like slide, secure, pivot and adjust. (I don’t care for those words)

My directions would suggest: push, pull, tighten, go the other way and jiggle.

It also said way down in picture five, you will need a screwdriver which is not included. Shouldn't that be at the top?

In my version I would put in big letters: NOBODY'S GOT TIME FOR THIS PRODUCT AND YOU WILL NEED YOUR OWN SCREWDRIVER. WALK AWAY AND HIRE A NICE PERSON TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE WITH THEIR OWN PRE-ASSEMBLED SHOVEL.

I call that honesty in advertising.

There could be different instructions. There could be some for engineer types or smartypants people and then a different version for others who prefer a simpler how-to guide.

I am thinking of pitching my idea to IKEA . . . home of all things disassembled. 

My instructions will say up front: If you aren’t handy and don’t have an Allen key — turn around and follow the arrows to the Swedish meatball aisle — have lunch and go back home. You don’t need any bookcase that badly! I now await a call from the Dragon’s Den.

 Anyone want to invest?  Anyone?




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