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EVERYTHING KING: Mystery of the missing Christmas tape

Finding joy i gift wrapping? In this week's Everything King, Wendy runs down what you'll lose and how often in the Bermuda Triangle of tools
2021-12-14 gifts
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Does your home look a lot like Santa’s workshop about now?

It's like an episode of Hoarders, but with more tinsel, right?

Somehow, I start out in one room thinking I will keep the packages, wrap and ribbon confined in a smaller space yet it somehow spreads to many rooms on many levels.

It always starts out so organized. I clear off the dining room table and carefully lay out the rolls of paper, labels, tape, and scissors.

There are lists of names. Receipts are in order.

Then, it's like some crazed elves move in and chaos ensues. Every single year!

I assume there are two types of gift wrappers: the Martha Stewart types and the rest of us.

It took me years to realize some of the better gift wrap has lines on it for straight cutting. If you are really lucky, your scissors will glide along the lines for a perfect cut. There again, I start out well and then I swerve off the lines, ruining a whole sheet, or the scissors are too dull and the paper edge looks like it's been chewed up by an angry dog.

You will need at least three pairs of scissors. I don't know where scissors go to hide, but they are good at it.

Pet helpers add to the merriment. A large cat sitting in the centre of the paper is a difficult obstacle. You have to manoeuvre around the tail somehow. Pet hair stuck to the tape is inevitable.

Scotch tape. One-sided. Two-sided. Tape will be the absolute death of me. How can I lose a tape dispenser going from the table to the parcel to back to table?

Why has someone never figured a way to always find the end?

How many manicures have been ruined?

Labels? Where are the labels? I swear I bought a hundred last season to have ready for this year. Missing. Must go buy new labels.

Many pens will be needed at the wrapping station. Fourteen, to be exact. That is approximately how many writing instruments will be misplaced, hidden or be found later under the table.

It is like the Bermuda Triangle of tools. Poof! Vanished.

They really should teach gift wrapping in school. How to measure. How to fold. How to cut. I would have used that more than algebra.

Every single December, I promise the same thing: This year I will make it easy on myself. I will purchase only perfectly square items that will fit in perfectly square boxes.

Do I listen? Never.

The first items I bought were pointy metal things and reindeer with antlers.

I wrestle with bags and tissue, and end up stuffing things in an oversized burlap bag that cost more than the gift.

Are there sometimes words said that are not exactly Christmas-y? There are a few.

Would I change anything about the experience? Other than the paper cuts, of course not!

I look forward to having no idea what I bought for whom. Any list or plan I had is long gone.

It will be just as much a surprise for the receiver as the giver.

Confusion reigns.

Tape and scissors will be found eventually, just not when you are looking.

'Tis the season!


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About the Author: Wendy King

Wendy King writes about all kinds of things from nutrition to the job search from cats to clowns — anything and everything — from the ridiculous to the sublime. Watch for Wendy's column weekly.
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