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Everything King: 'I spy'

If my microwave could talk, what would it say about me?
Everything King (with Wendy King)

Anybody else feeling watched lately?

Remember the game 'I Spy'?  Not so fun now is it?

Ever since U.S. White House talking head (aka Inspector Gadget) Kelly Anne Conway suggested we could be spied on by our microwave ovens — I find myself scanning my kitchen for blinking lights. I cannot trust my own appliances. Perhaps, you shouldn’t either.

It occurs to me our gadgets could really spill the beans on our activities.

What would my microwave say about me? I can hear it now.

“The target does not know how to change the clock to Daylight Savings Time? Constant flashing light and inaccurate time. She seems not to care. Odd!"

“Makes a large number of Lean Cuisines.”

“Heats up coffee in paper cups far too often per day.” (I agree that may be illegal — think there is teeny tiny writing about this dangerous activity on the cups.)

“Our mark has burned dozens of microwave popcorn bags sending acrid smoke through the house lingering for days. (Okay, agreed, that may well be criminal or should be.)

It would be extremely telling to ask my conventional oven for a report. It was so disgusting that rather than clean the inside, it was easier just to buy a new one.  That’s gonna be in the dossier, for sure.

The toaster? What sinister activities does it have to report?

Aside from the fact I turn slices into cremated crumbs — nothing to see here. Although what if those alarms that go off whenever I cook are not about smoke but are surveillance codes?

My TV? Well, there is a myriad of sensitive information to be found in my viewing habits.

I can hear it now.

“Subject seems obsessed with CNN spending far too much time in the Situation Room. Target has a bizarre habit of watching Designated Survivor 3 times in a row, each week — this is troubling and should be reported to actor Kiefer Sutherland for his use in a possible future restraining order.”

On to the laptop — there must be a slew of interesting information to be gleaned from there.

“Subject has never met a cat video she has not liked and shared. We did a clandestine deep dive into her finances. She has none. She has way too many friends and she doesn't appear to know many of them. Her conversations are both benign and mind-numbingly boring. We request to be reassigned to the appliances of someone more interesting.” (Wow — everyone’s a critic!)

I do feel a little less paranoid now knowing there is nothing worth a good headline in my house.

Although, when I think about it, I am often shadowed by a large cat with glowing green eyes. He seems to be always watching and waiting. I can’t even go to the washroom on my own. Creature is cute but appears sneaky.  I better keep a close watch.  

Red bird flies at midnight. Over and out.