I got a cool gift this Christmas. It's a little book where you can safely keep all your computer passwords in one place.
Here's the thing, though.
I always remember my Facebook password and sometimes my email password until the day I don't for some reason. It's like amnesia overtakes me and I have no clue what words I have typed in the little box for the last decade. You sit there at the keyboard just blankly staring hoping that your fingers will remember which letters to punch in on their own.
Although sometimes it's not me. It's 'them'. You know the 'them' I mean. The people at the computer headquarters whose job it is to say when you have submitted the incorrect password even though it isn't. You don't dare try too many times or you are locked out for who knows how long.
Plus it's not like you just have the one password. There's one for every account you have. One for banking, one for shopping sites, one for Netflix. There are passwords for accounts I don't remember ever accessing since I set them up because I have no clue what the password is.
You try the same one you have used over and over successfully day after day after day and all of a sudden, without warning you get 'wrong password.'
If you have forgotten your password, you can reset by doing the following 27 steps.
Sit down and grab a coffee - and some aspirin because this is going to take a while.
"We can send you a temporary password. Where would you like it sent?"
Ummm well I can't get into my email because I can't remember the password, so nowhere.
"Please prove you are not a robot."
I type, "I am not a robot." Then for good measure, I type it in all caps. "I AM NOT A ROBOT." (This should prove I am serious.)
"Please type the letters you see."
What? I don't see any letters I can barely see the screen. Are they referring to those blurry letters that seem on top of each other and make no sense?
I type those in.
Success. I am not a robot. (If I were I would surely be smart enough to log into my own account.)
"Please answer these security questions you set up."
I have no memory whatsoever of setting up any advance questions but heck, it's my answers. I can ace this.
"What is your pet's name?"
Oh, wait... do they mean the pet I have now or the one who passed away. When did I set up the questions? I better go to the next question.
"What is your favourite tv show?"
Well, I don't know. Was this five years ago? Last year? My favourite one now? The one on regular TV or on Netflix?
Let's try another question.
"Mother's maiden name?"
Okay... concentrate. Maiden name... so not her married name... the one she was born with.
I type it in with trepidation.
I'm in. I feel like I have just cracked the Da Vinci Code.
Now, it advises reset your password.
I decide I am going to make this simple so I cannot possibly forget again.
I type it in.
I shall use my name.
Up pops the alert. "That password is taken."
How can it be taken? It's my name.
"You must use letters and numbers."
(Well, this is exactly why nobody can remember their damn passwords.)
I type in another option.
Rejected! Too weak???? What a judgmental piece of software!
Please use upper and lower case, numbers, letters and a symbol.
(Where is that symbol that expresses what I wish to say at this very moment????)
Why can't that little dude from Facebook, Mark, just remember my password and I will call him on the phone to get it back? If they know I used the wrong password, they must have a list of the right ones too. This seems logical. Help a girl out, Zuckerberg.
I finally hit on a proper word with bells and whistles and symbols and numbers and because there is some mercy in this world, it is accepted.
I really don't need this level of security. This is about as necessary as my teenage diary with the lock and key was. Nothing to see here, folks.
Now to write that password down in my new trusty book.
Where in the devil has that stupid thing gone?
