This blog is from the “this could only happen to me” department.
It was a number one epic fail! I failed a urine test, but not the way you might expect.
However, I am going to wager it has happened to others before me so despite the fact this is personal and embarrassing I am going to tell you because I am confident you will laugh with me and not at me. Right?
So, the doctor orders some blood tests. This always strikes fear for two reasons. They might make me fast as in not eat. The thought of missing a meal or delaying one sends me into a panic. Secondly, the technicians always have a difficult time getting my blood. There is nothing small about me except, it seems, my veins. Doesn’t that figure????
Anyway, this time the lab tech gets the blood first try. I could have been in and out within five minutes.
However, part of the test included giving a urine sample. This is where it gets interesting.
I am handed a container (about the size of a pill bottle).
This was followed by what seemed by a flurry of instructions. Maybe because I was hungry I wasn’t listening. There was something about finding the bathroom out in the hall or if that was busy to find the one around the corner. Also, take the specimen to a fridge in the hallway. I remember her saying it was unmarked so it would not be obvious that it was for the vials. All of this information was racing through my brain as I took my little bottle to the bathroom.
At this point I must advise that as a woman of a certain vintage there is usually no problem peeing. I can do it when I laugh or cry or cough or sneeze or because it’s a Tuesday. But—not that day! I sat in the cubicle and I waited. I stood up. I sat down. I jumped up and down. I flushed to hear the sound of rushing water. I waited. I played on the phone. I counted bathroom tiles (263). Nothing!
I went for a walk and thought I should get a drink and then wait. I got a coffee and a muffin but then wondered if that would now throw off the test results for which I was supposed to fast "Too bad," I thought, "I need to get this done." Back to the cubicle. Women came and women went and by went I mean “WENT” but there I sat. This was getting ridiculous.
I decided to go for another walk and search for the elusive, unmarked fridge I would eventually need. No fridge. I saw a pay phone. I saw a defibrillator. No fridge. I saw nobody else wandering around sheepishly with a vial.
We are now at the hour mark. I am starting to get looks from people thinking I am staking out the bathroom for some creepy reason. I go back in hoping three times is the charm. Nothing.
So, I do what any intelligent adult person would do—I ran away. It was like that commercial where the lady gets a great bargain – "start the car--start the car!" I figured I would do it the next morning pre-breakfast and drive it back and toss it in the mystery fridge. That’s what I did but I took it back into the lab and explained what happened. I got that look that said two things “You are an idiot but I’ve heard it all before.”
I never did see the fridge. I really want to know where that is and I want to put a note on it. “Pee goes here!” Otherwise, the staff is going to open theirs up one day and see something unexpected next to their ham sandwich.