I don’t like to sweat.
I don’t really like the outdoors.
And I really don’t care for summer, if I am being honest.
Believe me, I know I am in the minority. I am pleased if you enjoy it, but it is just not my thing.
I love the idea of the outdoors, but too many creatures would have to not exist for me to be able to relax and enjoy it at all.
The thing is I think Mother Nature someone knows I’m uncomfortable and tries to make it worse. Turns up the heat, as it were.
Like when an animal can sense fear and so they get up close and personal and start to show their teeth and growl.
Every single year, I make an effort.
I go to an outdoor festival and suffer through the roasting sun and do the fake smile as if I am enjoying it all the while waiting for the blessed moment I can get back to my air-conditioned vehicle.
I’m the one who gets sunburned despite all the precautions.
If there’s a mosquito, it will find me irresistible.
To a bee, I must smell like a flower. Buzz, buzz.
Everyone around me seems perfectly comfortable. Not a bead of sweat.
My hair is soaking wet from perspiration.
My makeup has melted off.
Other ladies are glistening like a morning dew.
All of this is to say I tried again this year to embrace the outdoors.
I know it's not even quite summer, but it was still hot.
I was visiting my sister (who's in my pod) and doing some crafting out on the deck, painting some old boards.
After leaning over the card table for a long time (30 minutes, but who's counting?), I had a brilliant idea! I will pull up a lawn chair to the table and paint sitting down. I also set up a giant fan.
This seemed like a really good idea to get some work done and not break my back.
I must have leaned too far forward on the canvass chair.
In slow motion, I could feel the chair literally collapsing under me. It short of just crumbled as the legs folded and it tossed me sideways out onto the deck.
I wanted to jump up quickly to ensure nobody saw this happen, but I was paralyzed on my knees wondering how I was going to get back up. If you still have young knees, you won’t understand the horror and being down on all fours and wondering how to get vertical with nothing to grab onto.
I was there for a while as I considered my plight.
Finally, I got back up and took stock. Nothing was broken.
Nothing really hurt except for my pride, which was completely shattered.
I did have a big scrape on my arm and it was bruising. I documented the injury in case of a future lawsuit against my sister.
It was clearly a poorly maintained, cheap, old, faulty chair.
I also documented the collapsed lawn chair, which was beyond repair.
Then, I ran into the house to cry into my lemonade.
I came back outside to see the family surveying the damage.
“Was this broken before?”
“What happened?”
And they they saw me sheepishly approach: “I happened to it!”
After a couple of moments of stunned silence, everyone burst out laughing.
That was when I realized something interesting. I am way past the point of embarrassment and now look at most everything as funny.
Years ago, that incident would have sent me fleeing from the public eye for weeks. I would have been so embarrassed I would not have addressed the issue or ever spoken about it. I certainly would not have giggled.
Now, I saw it as fodder for my weekly column. That seems like some type of personal progress to me!
In the future, though, I will check the weight limit on any outdoor furniture. I will also continue to assume the chair was inferior.
Turns out it was like 50 years old, so I still think my lawsuit has merit.
The whole episode was just the reminder I needed. I am taking my pale, insect-bitten, sweaty, ample booty back inside where I belong.
I don't like to sweat, so don't sweat this!
I’m on the inside looking out and very content.
